Ask Nony: How Do I Get Married?
Question
Nony you need to give me tips/advice. I need to get married. My African parents are getting restless and I don’t know what to do. I’m an awesome girl: I work in finance, I’m a writer with a legitimate writing career, I split my time between Italy and NYC. I have friends, hobbies and am generally happy. But my parents are stressing me. And I thought: I can manifest this. Just need to find other women who can be role models (hence, YOU!)
Answer
I’m not going to waste time telling you that you don’t “need” to get married. If it is something that you want, there is no shame in it and you should put all your energy and ability into making it a reality. If for whatever the reason it is not in your destiny, you can rest knowing that you gave it a good try. Here are my thoughts:
1) Become the Chooser
You need to be meeting as many men as possible in order to have choice. You cannot wait to meet the perfect person and hope that they see the greatness in you. No darling, you want to be doing the choosing. Get on dating apps. If you get sick of them, take a break but then get back on. Don’t get caught up in only wanting to be on the exclusive apps like Raya/The League. I’ve never known anyone that met their spouse on them but I know a LOT of Bumble and Tinder brides. Allow your friends and family to set you up, smile more at strangers (men today are very nervous about approaching women for fear of being considered a creep!) The key is to have a wide pool of choice from which to make a selection.
2) Take Care of Yourself
Look your best. Do your hair, take care of your skin, work out etc. We tend to give our imperfections more of our time and energy but I would suggest focus enhancing your best assets. Besides the “look good, feel good” point, you just never know when you might meet someone in person. An airport lounge, grocery store, in line at a coffee shop, are some places my friends have met their significant others. I’m not saying that you need your face to be beat down and hair blown out to run errands but generally, always be pulled together. When you look and feel great you’re more open to accept invitations and leave your house spontaneously which increases your chances of meeting new people.
3) Re-Examine your Wish List/Criteria
Are height and his …endowment… really that important? It’s really nice to marry a rich guy but I would venture that it is more important to find someone who is generous and hardworking vs. rich. I say this to provide examples of things that women sometimes focus on which dramatically limit their options. You should basically, allow yourself to be surprised by who you may end up loving (a friend of mine, in the past, would never date a man with kids, well her now-husband has 3 kids from prior marriage!)
4) Nip Things in the Bud
Don’t waste time on low quality men. Do NOT ignore red flags. When you realize a man is toxic, not aligned with your values or is showcasing red flags END IT immediately. Don’t argue with men on dates or go back and forth on text. Just know your values, embody them and drop the men who aren’t aligned. We give so much energy to the wrong situations and it ends up wasting our precious time or making us bitter and depressed about dating and love. Also don’t engage too much in the social media dating hypotheticals, dramas and story time. The worst stories go viral and it may be funny to forward them on, share and comment but the negativity seeps into your consciousness. Make a vision board and host list of what you want out of a partner. Stay positive and focused on your vision and don’t let any kind of nonsense stand in your way.
If you can focus on these four things you should be well on your way!