Beyond Cheating: Emotional Cruelty in Relationships Deserves More Attention

Emotional cruelty: It’s subtle, insidious, and can be just as devastating as infidelity

Cheating Isn’t the Only Betrayal

There’s so much talk about cheating in relationships—it feels like it’s the only thing people write or post about when it comes to love and marriage. And don’t get me wrong, cheating is awful. I’ve been cheated on, so I get it. But now that I’m 42, I’m at that age where I’m starting to see people around me get divorced, and honestly, for a lot of women, the real shock in marriage is discovering their partner’s cruelty.

Yes, we know that cheating is a form of cruelty, but a recent divorcee I know said she would rather a mistress had been introduced into her marriage than the “wickedness” her husband brought.

I’m not here to bash men or add to an increasingly negative dating climate. Rather, it’s to raise awareness of a less-discussed marriage and relationship killer.

Studies show that partner-led cruelty can leave scars just as deep as physical abuse, leading to things like anxiety, depression, and even PTSD. But if we’re only focused on avoiding cheaters, we might miss the signs of someone causing us or women we love harm in other ways.

Senseless Cruelty

I look at certain marriages in my community, and I can’t help but think about how some of these women did everything “right” and still got treated horribly.

• There was the aunt who was a faithful wife, did all the traditionally “female” duties, bore and raised healthy children, and yet was publicly humiliated, ignored, and talked down to.

• There was the friend who married a man much wealthier than her but was unsupported in and discouraged from every career endeavor she attempted.

• There’s my other friend’s husband who decided to slow down his career and stop contributing financially to the household, almost as though to punish the wife for daring to outearn him.

None of it makes much sense. And we haven’t even touched on physical abuse, which is a whole other thing.

Casual Clues

A viral story on “X” a while back involved a woman whose partner refused to buy her flowers because he “doesn’t believe in them.” Although she loved flowers, he shut that desire down, and she chose to accept it and focus on other thoughtful things that he did.

That, to me, is a red flag because it’s not about the flowers!

It’s about a lack of consideration for what brings her joy. She communicated a desire for a harmless and affordable thing that made her happy, and he decided his “principle” mattered more.

Cruelty doesn’t always look like yelling or hitting—it’s sometimes stamping out someone else’s joy simply because you can.

Some Subtle Signs of Cruelty Outside of Infidelity and Violence

1. He never remembers or prioritizes any important details about your life, interests, or career.

2. He disregards and dismisses your family and friends.

3. He ignores your cues for connection and leaves you hanging, whether it’s not catching your outstretched hand or smiling at your unfunny joke.

4. He is cruel to people in his community, like his exes, employees, partners, or clients.

5. He is cruel to strangers like service workers, neighbors, motorists, and others.

6. He sleeps like a baby after you’ve argued.

7. He is impatient when you’re sick or in a weaker position than usual.

8. He doesn’t like to be needed.

9. He makes you hide parts of yourself, including your past, your goals, plans, and dreams.

10. He constantly belittles your efforts, appearance, or achievements and those of others.

11. He’s secretive about his whereabouts, finances, past, and plans.

12. He publicly makes jokes and comments at your expense.

End
If we want real, fulfilling relationships, we must focus on more than fidelity. We must notice the small signs of disregard or cruelty and have the courage to call them out—or, better yet, run away!

Women can protect themselves from relationships that diminish rather than uplift by paying attention to the small, everyday signs of disregard and choosing kindness and care as non-negotiables.

Love should feel safe, supportive, and empowering—not like a constant battle to be seen or valued. Let’s champion the values in men that often get lost or downplayed: gentleness, empathy, softness and caring.