Ask Nony: How Do I Get Married?

Question

Nony you need to give me tips/advice. I need to get married. My African parents are getting restless and I don’t know what to do. I’m an awesome girl: I work in finance, I’m a writer with a legitimate writing career, I split my time between Italy and NYC. I have friends, hobbies and am generally happy. But my parents are stressing me. And I thought: I can manifest this. Just need to find other women who can be role models (hence, YOU!)

Answer

I’m not going to waste time telling you that you don’t “need” to get married. If it is something that you want, there is no shame in it and you should put all your energy and ability into making it a reality. If for whatever the reason it is not in your destiny, you can rest knowing that you gave it a good try. Here are my thoughts:

1) Become the Chooser

You need to meet as many men as possible in order to have a choice. You cannot wait to meet the perfect person and hope they see your greatness.

No, darling, you want to be making the choice.

Get on dating apps. If you get sick of them, take a break, but then get back on. Don’t get caught up in wanting to be on exclusive apps like Raya or The League. I’ve never known anyone who met their spouse on them, but I know a lot of Bumble and Tinder brides.

Allow your friends and family to set you up, and smile more at strangers (men today are very nervous about approaching women for fear of being considered a creep!)

The key is to have a wide pool of choices from which to make a selection.

2) Take Care of Yourself

Look your best. Do your hair, take care of your skin, work out, etc. We tend to give our imperfections more of our time and energy, but I would suggest focusing on enhancing your best assets. Besides the “look good, feel good” point, you never know when you might meet someone in person. An airport lounge, grocery store, and in line at a coffee shop are some places my friends have met their significant others.

I’m not saying that you need your face to be beat down and hair blown out to run errands, but generally, always be pulled together. When you look and feel great, you’re more open to accepting invitations and leaving your house spontaneously, which increases your chances of meeting new people.

3) Re-examine your Wish List/Criteria

Are height and his …endowment… really that important?

It’s nice to marry a rich guy, but I would venture that it is more important to find someone who is generous and hardworking than rich.

I say this to provide examples of things that women sometimes focus on, which dramatically limit their options. You should, basically, allow yourself to be surprised by who you may end up loving. (A friend of mine, in the past, would never date a man with kids. Well, her now-husband has 3 kids from a prior marriage!)

4) Nip Things in the Bud

Don’t waste time on low-quality men.

Do NOT ignore red flags.

END IT immediately when you realize a man is toxic, not aligned with your values, or is showcasing red flags.

Don’t argue with men on dates or angrily go back and forth on text. Just know your values, embody them, and drop the men who aren’t aligned. We give so much energy to the wrong situations that it wastes our precious time or makes us bitter and depressed about dating and love.

Also, don’t engage too much in social media dating hypotheticals, dramas, and story time. The worst stories go viral. It may be funny to forward them on and share, but the negativity seeps into your consciousness.

Make a vision board and a tight list of what you want from a partner.

Stay positive and focused on your vision, and don’t let nonsense stand in your way.

If you can focus on these four things, you should be well on your way!

If you are at a crossroads in your dating life and need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to book a 1:1 session with me. You’ll immediately get an experienced and objective person to chat and strategize with.