Don’t Listen to Anybody.
Ignore the noise
Could you be more careful about whom you take advice from? I will tell you a series of true stories that illustrate why you should be.
1.
Concerning Salaries and Pay
In my final year of high school, I took a job as a hostess at a very popular restaurant. On my interview day, I chatted with the other young hostesses, and one of them told me, offhandedly, that the restaurant pays all new hostesses $6.15 an hour. I was glad for the information, as none of the managers had mentioned the pay rate to me yet. When I finally walked in to speak with the manager, he asked me how much I wanted, and I said $7. He agreed immediately, and I walked out, thinking I was slick. Throughout the summer, I didn’t feel quite so slick because the hours on my feet were long, and dealing with customers could be heavy. I really wished that I was making more. Many months later, I befriended another hostess who revealed to me that she was earning $9.50 an hour!
What?!
Why had that earlier hostess told me that? Was it even true? Was it an offhanded comment, or did she want to ensure I didn’t out-earn her? I came in for that final interview ready and dressed to start working immediately. I held the leverage because they were short-staffed and needed me. So I could’ve asked for much more, and they might have accepted. Or I could have at least asked for a high number and given us a jumping point to commence negotiations. Instead, I went in there and chose a number based on what that hostess had told me. I never forgot this experience.
Lesson #1: You don’t always know the motivations behind why people tell you the things that they tell you. Even the people you trust, who may have your best interests at heart, can tell you incorrect, outdated, or non-pertinent information that derails you. So be careful with how much information from other people, that you take seriously or use to make life decisions.
2.
Concerning Opportunities and Access
As soon as I discovered I was pregnant with Adaora and Max, I started looking into daycares and nursery schools. Zurich is like New York City, Paris, and London in that childcare and school spots are very limited, and parents have to act very fast. There is a very well-regarded nursery school a town over from us that I kept hearing good things about, but a few of the moms had said, “Their wait list is so long” or “It’s impossible to get into.” Foolishly, I listened to them and didn’t bother visiting, applying, or reaching out. About a year into the twins’ enrollment at a different school, I finally accepted that I wasn’t thrilled with it and wanted to look into other options for them. I contacted the “exclusive” school and set up a meeting. They were incredibly accommodating and got back to me quickly with available spots for the twins.
Huh?! That was easy…
But was it easy for everyone or just for me? Is it possible that the school preferred our candidacy for reasons that aren’t clear to us? Did they prefer my approach or that I had two kids enrolling? I don’t know. I do know that I didn’t have a hard time gaining admission for the twins.
Lesson #2: People experience you differently from the way they experience others. They have different approaches and different auras and are a different package than you. So don’t be discouraged from going after things that they believe are unattainable or restrictive. Those things may be indeed unattainable for THEM. Conversely, don’t discourage people from pursuing what they want based on your personal experience. They are not YOU.
3.
Concerning Your Limitations
I have always been a very open person. The unfamiliar may be unnerving, but my curiosity and desire to explore always outweigh any negative thoughts or trepidation. I’ve also always believed that I could have anything I wanted and would never limit my access to anything or anyone. This approach was particularly key during my single years. I wanted what most women wanted: a good partner and a family, and I thought that it would be beneficial to keep my dating pool small in certain aspects and wide in others. During this time, I had heard time and time again not to bother dating outside of my race that caucasian, Asian, Middle Eastern, or whatever men would never marry or take seriously a black woman. That I would just be “fun,” a “fetish,” or “curiosity” for them. Sometimes, this advice would linger in the back of my head, and I would at times question if any of the non-black men that I happened to date were misbehaving or noncommittal for this reason.
Imagine blaming myself for the bad behavior of men!
Luckily, my eyes and ears were always open, and it was easy to observe my friends and fellow women suffering from the same nonsense from men of their races. Needless to say, I allowed myself to be pursued and courted by people of all races and nationalities, and here I sit, married to an Italian man and living my dream.
Lesson #3: Don’t take on other people’s burdens and limitations. Their negative stories and experiences may not necessarily be yours. Don’t allow yourself to be discouraged or dissuaded by news or statistics.
Dear Reader, never blindly listen to people. Hear them out and perhaps even reflect on their words. But only let your eyes, ears, and gut drive your decisions and actions.
