Acting “As If”
“You are far from the only nervous one in the room”
Picture this scenario. It’s Monday morning, you’re having coffee with some colleagues and members of your team, you’re relaxed, funny and able to pepper the casual conversation with observations about business results. You’re at ease, your best self. After this brief catch up, you head into a meeting to present the prior week’s results to upper management, but this time you’re serious, a bit stiff even. You don’t make any conversation or jokes. You sit straight, don’t laugh too loud or say anything outside of your very well prepared speech. They listen politely and thank you for your presentation which was good.
How do you think you came across? Was your seriousness and over-preparedness interpreted as confidence or a defense mechanism to mask your insecurity? Do you think they believe you belong? Were you acting like you belonged?
There are so many ways that we manifest our insecurities (ex: perfectionism) and so many triggers (ex: “authority figures”). As a fully functioning human being, it is impossible to never have a moment, person or scenario that makes you feel a little bit less yourself. Some reasons why you might not feel confident are:
You’ve begun to believe all of the negative things that others have said about you
You’ve held on to bad memories or experiences
You’ve internalized messaging that always positions you as inferior to others such as the other person’s age, influence, position, gender, nationality, wealth, notoriety, ethnicity etc.
You put people on pedestals based on your ideas about them
You assign outsized importance to specific moments
It could take years of therapy to undo just one of these triggers, meanwhile you are required to perform and be great come Monday morning. How do you go out there and portray the best you? How do you appear at ease? How do you “Act as if?”
The solution lies in a statement we were told many times as children: Use your imagination!
1.
Invent An Alter Ego
Invent a character that can do the things you are too afraid to do. Perhaps your limiting beliefs stem from how you were brought up. Maybe the negative voice in your head was implanted by someone from your past. Your alter ego doesn’t have any of those hang ups. Sound silly? Would it still sound silly to you if you heard that Beyoncé does this? Yes THE Beyoncé who struts around the stage in front of thousands of people had to find a way to summon the courage to do so. She invented a character she named Sasha Fierce who shows up when she has to perform.
You too can invent a character that takes over when you have to go into scenarios that don’t feel natural to you, like when you have to sell yourself at a job interview or in front of senior level clients. Perhaps you still see yourself as the outsider trying to fit in. Your alter ego can be someone who already belongs.
To do this:
1) Come up with the character. What traits do you wish you had or do you know you need to thrive in unnerving scenarios? Your alter ego has all of these traits. The background, the breeding, the confidence, the attitude. He/She also doesn’t have any of your negative experiences, doubters or worries.
2) Name your character.
3) Practice as your character. I can’t emphasize enough the power of practicing and talking to yourself, in character, when you’re alone.
2.
Reimagine the Scenario
The story I told at the start is a real one. One of the senior executives I coach struggles to relax and be himself when he presents in front of senior leadership at work. He feels stiff and and thinks it’s obvious to everyone that he doesn’t feel comfortable around them. This can’t continue because he hopes to be them very soon. I told him to pick one or two faces to focus on when presenting and pretend he is talking to them over drinks. Over drinks you wouldn’t just rattle off the results. You would, pause, make a joke, smile. You would acknowledge if you are pleased with a result or disappointed in another. You would admit if something in the results has surprised you. You would be your yourself. Naturally, your presentation will feel less stiff and take on a conversational nature with people interjecting with comments, questions or reactions. All of this is good. Everyone will sense your ease and interpret it as confidence. They would assume you belong.
Another scenario: I imagine it is much easier for you to sing someone else’s praises than it is to sing your own. For instance, say it’s your year end review and you need to write your self appraisal. Simply imagine you’re talking about someone else. It will reduce or completely remove your self consciousness or embarrassment.
3.
Power Posing
Harvard Business School social psychologist, Amy Cuddy, gave one of the most popular TED talks of all time titled “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are,” where she posits that how we feel about ourselves can be greatly influenced by our own non-verbal expressions. Her studies show that by simply adopting the wonder woman stance for two minutes, the subject’s testosterone levels increase, cortisol levels decrease, they are more open to take risks and are more likely to do better in high stress situations. There is some debate in the scientific community about the effectiveness of these claims but a lot of people swear by its effects. Physical movement has an effect on our minds: think about the effect of talking while you pace a room. Standing in front of a mirror and adopting the hand on hips, wide stance of the wonder woman pose can psyche you up before an important moment.
4.
Psyche yourself In
Tell yourself whatever it is that you need to hear. Tell yourself that everyone wants you to win, that you already have the job and this final interview is just a formality. Tell yourself how great you are, how powerful you are, whatever you need to hear. We hear continuously how detrimental negative self talk can be on our spirits, self image and mental health - how it psyche’s us out. Isn’t it fair to assume there would be equivalent positive effects from positive self talk? Couldn’t we psyche ourselves in?
With all that said, none of these tactics will work if you haven’t done the work. The most important aspect of rising to an occasion and feeling comfortable within yourself is knowing you have given your absolute best. These solutions help you land the plane, so to speak.
Don’t neglect whatever else you need to make you feel like your best self be it a good night’s rest, your favorite outfit, high heels, make up, whatever. Navigating big personalities and high pressure situations is tough, its alright to take what you need to rise to the occasion.
Good Luck!