Ask Nony: How Do Successful Woman Date?

Image @angelakok_

Question

I wonder how other successful women deal with love or navigate a world that sometimes cautions us to down play our worth/work/success in order to have love.

Answer

I think that part of the reason dating is so difficult now is because there is so much discourse around it. The internet has made it easy to read thousands of think pieces and shitty social media posts written by people of varying qualifications and agendas confusing everyone. It can be especially confusing for women: we are constantly being told what to do and how to be. By men, by feminists and by traditionalists: “The goal is to be an independent boss babe.” “Nope, soft life is the vibe.” “Wrong! It’s actually all about being a tradwife now.” “Are you a high-value woman who is resting in your feminine energy?” And so on. No matter where you are in your life, it can’t be easy to be confronted with this ever changing idea of what an ideal woman is and how her ideal life should look.

I think men are also confused and unsure sure how to proceed. Some examples of questions the single men I know have asked: “Women say they want men to make the first and bold move but when I kissed her at the end of the night she told me she was surprised and slightly offended. Should I have asked first?” “I pay for all our dates but am I also supposed to pay for her plane ticket and the hotel reservation when we go on our first trip together?” “Will she think I’m cheesy if I try to open doors for her? I read that women actually don’t like that?”

Everyone is overthinking and basing their behavior on anecdotes or rules that they read about somewhere, heard on a podcast, tv show or stories from their families and friends.

How does this apply to your question? I can’t speak for how other women proceed but I solidly believe in being guided by your core values and deepest desires. You mention living in a world that “cautions us to downplay our worth, work, success.” Again that is allowing outside discourse to influence how you behave. Instead you should just try to focus on being the type of person that you want. How do you want to talk about your success, worth and status? And in your mind, how does your ideal person talk about these things? This is allowing your actions to be influenced by your own values. It is exuding the kind of person you want to be and attracting the type of person you want to be with.

I personally have never been comfortable talking too much about my titles, accomplishments or money and have never been attracted to the kind of people who love to. I’m not saying it’s the right way to be but I’m just telling you about myself. What about you? Be honest with yourself, there’s no wrong answer!

Remember, never contort yourself to fit a mold that someone else has constructed. Live in the understanding that not everyone is going to be for you and you’re not going to be for everyone.